Dear Mothers #3

For Mom Who Feels Trapped by the Constant Winter Plagues

Dear Mothers, 

I am a teacher, runner, gardener, and involved community member, and I have found myself also to be a stay-at-home mom with two young boys—one and three years old.

Our first child was a surprise, and I had a miserable pregnancy. We decided to try for a second and end my experience of childbearing with that even though I love my big family with lots of siblings. Lots of change happened when our second came along—my husband opened his own private practice as a counselor, I quit my job as a teacher because I didn't make enough to cover childcare, and after a tumultuous first few months with our second baby, it became clear that I had postpartum depression.

With an antidepressant, counseling, and the help of my village, I'm mostly in recovery mode now. However, with the intensity of the sickness this past fall and young kids whose immune systems were stunted from COVID lockdowns, it has been non-stop since August. I have found us stuck at home, watching so much TV and living off of granola bars for weeks on end. I'm hopeful that the intensity of the week-long flus and fevers will fade after these few months of sickness. But all of that time being trapped at home has left my mental health in a tricky place. Most of my progress in counseling has been in organizing our weeks and planning outings and finding the little things that help me enjoy the time with my kids. Sickness has thrown that completely off. That's fine for a week here and there, and downright brutal for months on end.

In the deepest, darkest moments, four days into a baby with a sky-high fever and badly interrupted sleep, I have so many things that run through my head. Am I broken? Why can other moms do this and not hate their kids after hour nine of whining in a day? Is what I'm feeling normal or is my depression creeping back in?

I want to get to a place where every negative feeling and emotion isn't also leading to a cascade of anxiety about whether I'm sliding back into the abyss. How can I be confident in myself as a mom and weather the bad days with hope of good days to come?

Love,

Mom Who Feels Trapped by the Constant Winter Plagues

Dear Trapped Mom,

As I write this to you, my daughter is on day four of a 102° fever … for the second time in four weeks. She missed two out of three weeks of school in December and spent much of that time crying on the couch and refusing to eat. Her older brother spent all of last week home from school with the same (or maybe a different?) virus, and her younger brother was at the doctor twice the week before that. And at some point in the last four weeks—I honestly don’t even remember when—my husband and I both came down with some sort of flu. Which is to say, solidarity friend. This cold and flu season is the worst. You are not broken for feeling weary and defeated.