Dear Mothers #4

For Scared Mom Who Thinks She Screwed Everything Up

Dear Mothers, 

My entry into motherhood nearly two years ago was rough. An emergency C-section combined with a surprise positive COVID test meant my husband was forced to leave the hospital. Birth trauma led to postpartum depression. PPD led me to my favorite and worst coping mechanism, alcohol. The first year of my daughter's life is a haze of tears, fights with my husband, alcohol, and a desperate desire to escape my life.

I'm doing much better now—I'm sober, trauma therapy helped my PPD, and my husband and I are working through our problems in marriage counseling. Things aren't perfect. I struggle with patience. The birth trauma has left me with sensory processing issues that make me feel so on edge when she throws normal toddler tantrums. However, things are much better than they used to be.

But I carry a heavy, heavy guilt for how emotionally absent I was for my daughter during the first year of her life. She was never neglected but we struggled to bond. She's closer to my husband than me even though I'm a stay-at-home mom. It feels like there's this distance between us that I can't put my finger on but I know is there.

I go to bed every night wondering if I've screwed her up forever. I lie awake listing the reasons I'm a failure of a mother. I'm not close to my own mom, who is a still-drinking alcoholic, and I'm scared I'm repeating the cycle with my daughter. I thought I would be a better mother than I am. Reality didn't align with my expectations.

I'm carrying a burden that I don't know how to set down. I'm a believer, and I know logically that I don't have to carry this shame. I know that my daughter's perfect parent is our Father in Heaven and that I can't be the ideal mother. Yet I can't release these feelings of guilt and fear. I lug them around with me every day and the weight is crushing my soul.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in writing all of this but I'm putting this out there in the hopes of finding relief. I hope that if someone out there feels like me, they know they aren't alone.

Sincerely,

Scared Mom Who Thinks She Screwed Everything Up

Content warning: This letter contains mentions of suicidal thoughts. If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues, please contact a licensed therapist or medical professional. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or in emotional distress, dial 988 to be connected to the suicide prevention lifeline.

Dear Scared Mom Who Thinks She Screwed Everything Up, 

I once heard a veteran mom say, “Your ability to ruin your child is not nearly as powerful as God’s ability to redeem them.”[1]

I’ve never forgotten those words. As I respond here, I wanted to write them first, right away, because if your daughter throws a tantrum while you’re reading this or the phone rings or whatever else happens and you can’t finish the rest of this letter, I want you to hear the truth, straight-forward and simple. 

Your ability to ruin your child is not nearly as powerful as God’s ability to redeem them.