Dear Mothers #6

For the Overweight with Low Self-Esteem Mom

Dear Mothers,

I'm not sure how to start this or how vulnerable I should get.

I'm a young mother of two who has her hands very full with a full-time job and busy home life. The issue I'm writing about today is a long struggle that reaches my inner soul and hurts me immensely even though I try to cover it up as much as I can.

I've been struggling with my weight and self-image for ages upon ages.

Genetics are definitely a predominant factor of where it all starts, but it also involves a lot of emotional eating to cover up pain and just a buildup of normal life stresses & post-baby weight.

I live in a society where image is key and skinniness is godliness. The fat/overweight/obese are looked upon as uncontrolled, unkempt, and just not the same.

I am emotionally in a place where I can't even think about dieting. Definitely slightly depressed post baby #2 and when anyone brings up the subject of curtailing food I just shut down mentally, I can't even think about it.

Really really I do lead an unhealthy lifestyle as I feel so deprived after years of limiting myself. I try my hardest to be positive about my body image, put on nice clothes, so I feel good about myself but I don't find it to help so much.

I look in the mirror when naked, and I just feel disgusted with myself sometimes that I can't control myself. Honestly, I probably could just eat healthier but there's like an emotional blockage in my brain I guess from childhood trauma of being made to diet when I was waaaay to young to be dieting.

I'm not even sure what my question is, or if it's even a question. Maybe it's just a vent, or some lost soul looking for some love and positivity. Either way I'd love to hear some advice and thoughts on this situation.

And just know that I am a SUPER C+C fan, I look forward to every upcoming episode & essay. So thanks for that and for being the big sister of advice for moms with no big sisters to ask ;)’

Signed,

The Overweight with Low Self-esteem Mom

It is the nature of these letters to use the sign-off to address you, but I won’t name you as you have named yourself: “Overweight with Low Self-Esteem Mom.” 

Dear Treasure. Dear Beloved One. Dear Sister In This Hard, Hard World. Hello. I am sorry it has taken me so long to reply. Your letter came to our team in December, and I raised my hand to answer with a caveat that I would need more time. It’s taken me years of therapy to unlearn my own damaging thought patterns around body image and eating, and as far as I’ve come, I still enter conversations like this cautiously, knowing how easily I can fall into old habits of mind. My prayer is that you and any other reader for whom this topic resonates will find a therapist who can support the complexities of your story and struggle.

You say that your struggle with body image “reaches your inner soul and hurts you immensely,” and I am beginning this letter by saying, first and foremost, me too. Me too. In fact two-thirds of American women have a BMI that categorizes them as overweight or obese, and so we are not alone. Why do we feel alone? Because the media largely erases us. The bodies we see in the advertisements that clutter our screen represent a slim minority of the population, and yet they become our metric for “normal.” 

Once, in an attempt to curate my Instagram feed away from such trends, I went searching for influencers who looked like me. But what could I search for? My body is not a pear or an apple. My body is, I suppose, somewhat shaped like an hourglass, but actually it is just shaped like … me? Standard fashion is not designed with my dimensions in mind, but plus-size does not work either. After significant searching, I found a name for myself. According to hashtags, as a size 12/14, I am “midsize,” like a family-friendly sedan. Perfect. (Here, I pause to roll my eyes.) How very apt, as I have stowed three children between my ribs over these past eight years. I have hauled them about on my roomy hips. Sustained them with plush, high-capacity breasts.  

Yes, Instagram, calls me #midsize. But what do I call myself?