Dear Mothers #8

For Embarrassed and Shamed Boy Mom

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Dear Mothers,

In the fall of 2019, my husband and I found out we were pregnant with our first (and still only) child. We were elated. We had been married for several years, and had dreamed of the day we would bring a baby into our family. It wasn’t long before we found out the baby was a boy. I spent long days planning the perfect blue nursery for my precious baby that we could not wait to meet and bring home.

Before I get into the meat of my letter, I want to clarify that I am not asking anyone’s specific opinion on the topic at hand. What I am asking for is to feel seen, encouraged and affirmed for making the choice we did for our baby boy. About halfway through my pregnancy, my husband came to me and said he didn’t think we should circumcise. I was a little surprised because circumcising was the default decision, as far as we knew, in both of our families. Nonetheless, we researched, read, and spoke to multiple medical doctors on the issue. Our pediatrician said, “It’s truly up to the parents; there is no sound medical data showing that it’s necessary.” Our friend who is a urologist said essentially the same thing.

We have friends who shared they decided against it for their son. We heard it was becoming overall less common. We gathered information, and we made a decision for our son. We didn’t ask any family members’ opinions because why would we? After all, multiple medical doctors said to us, “it is strictly up to the parents.” Neither of our families have any Jewish or Muslim background (religions that traditionally circumcise), so we made our decision and moved on.

The trauma of preparing for childbirth during the global pandemic was just that: traumatic. Add in a long labor, four hours of active pushing and an emergency c-section later, and we were emotionally and physically exhausted by the time we arrived home several days after welcoming our bundle of joy into the world. My sweet mom and sister, both mothers of boys themselves, had quarantined in order to meet us at our home to help with baby for the first week of his life. I’ve always been a person prone to questioning my decisions (probably a by-product of my lifelong battle with anxiety), and my mom and sister are usually the first people I go to for advice.

I’ll never forget the looks on their faces when I told them we didn’t circumcise. I’ve never felt a more intense surge of varying emotions in my life. Embarrassment, sadness, panic, anger, extreme anger, sickness, and some more anger. They said it was “weird.” I’ll never hear that word again without thinking of this hurtful moment.

Mothers, did I do something wrong? I’m still confused. We read, we spoke to medical doctors, we spoke to friends who were informed on the topic, and we made our decision. I feel the need to actually defend us and say that we are good parents! We feed him fruits and vegetables and have corner protectors on our coffee table. We are GOOD parents. We love him more than anything. Why did one of my first days as a mother result in shame? Why am I still feeling all of those emotions from that one conversation? Why am I still feeling defensive?

Am I bad Mom?

Sincerely,

Embarrassed and Shamed Boy Mom

Dear Embarrassed and Shamed Boy Mom, 

Hi. I’m so glad you wrote in. Your letter intrigued me, and I thought I might be able to speak to your situation for two reasons. One, I am a medical professional. (Read: I have seen more penises than I could ever care to count. Literally hundreds. Thousands?) And two, I am a mom of boys. 

Before my first son was born, I, like you, was thrilled. And I, like your husband, did not feel the decision to circumcise was a given. Medically speaking, there is simply no need to do it. And in my work, I saw too many full grown man parts too often, circumcised and not, to be phased in the slightest however they presented. I had no cultural, religious, or traditional pulls one way or the other. What I wanted most was for my husband and I to feel confident and comfortable with whatever decision we made for us and our little boy.