For the One Who’s Holding Her Breath

By Sarah J. Hauser | April 2023 Newsletter

She was talking about the writing life, but I think Anne Lamott’s words in Bird by Bird are true for all of life. She wrote, “You can’t fill up when you’re holding your breath.”

Are you holding your breath right now? I mean proverbially, yes, but even physically? 

So many of us are holding our breath, afraid of letting go because we’re not sure we can handle the tears or anger or overwhelm attempting to pour out from our bodies. We hold our breath because we’re bracing for what’s next, waiting for the other shoe to drop. We hold our breath because, ironically, sometimes keeping it all inside feels like the only way to make it through another day.

Tragedy has struck our country again. The city of Nashville is grieving. Many of you are grieving. And yet the world keeps spinning. We still need to cook dinner and the laundry still needs to get put away and work deadlines still need to be met and our own lives are still full of all that’s good and hard and beautiful and challenging.

It’s a lot to carry, isn’t it?

I’m reading Aundi Kolber’s new book Strong Like Water right now, and I’ve just about highlighted every paragraph already. But one sentence really struck me. She wrote, “Dear ones, we don’t have to pretend that simply existing doesn’t hurt sometimes. It does and it has.”

I don’t know what you’re carrying right now. I don’t know what you’re trying to hold inside your body or if you have tears you’re desperately blinking back into your eyes. Maybe you’re not wrestling with profound sorrow or trauma, but you feel like you're living life with a thousand paper cuts. Maybe you’re simply sleep deprived, and that throws everything out of whack. I get that. I really do.

But whatever your circumstances, if you feel like it’s hard being a person right now, I want to put my hands on your shoulders and look you in the eyes and remind you of two things: 1) it’s okay to feel this way and 2) you are not alone. 

I know you may not want to weep in front of your family, but it’s okay to cry in the shower. It’s also okay to laugh with your kids and hold them tight while also allowing your heart to break for the mamas who wish they could do the same. I know you still need to get work done, but it’s okay to let yourself pause long enough to recognize that the life you’re living—even if it feels mundane—is still not easy.

Aundi also wrote, “We do not want to make our home inside grief, but let us be clear: Unless we make room for the reality of our entire human experience, grief will insist on taking over the whole house.” 

We don’t want to wallow in heartache, but if we don’t acknowledge it, we’ll never move through it. If we don’t exhale, releasing our breath—and our tears and overwhelm with it—we’ll never be able to fill up again. 

So to that end, I offer you one last reminder: breathe.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. 

Take care of yourself, Mama. And know that you are deeply, deeply loved. 

Much Love,
Sarah

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Sarah’s book, All Who Are Weary: Finding True Rest by Letting Go of the Burdens You Were Never Meant to Carry, hits bookshelves on April 4th! Pre-order now at Amazon, Target, or wherever books are sold.

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FYI:

Coffee + Crumbs has always been a reader-supported publication.

If you’d like to support our work and receive exclusive content (like access to our Dear Mothers column, bonus essays, monthly conversations with our community, and bonus podcast episodes) please consider signing up to be a paid subscriber:

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C+C Faves

Exhale member and Down Syndrome advocate, Misty Coy Snyder, wrote, produced, and sang this song for those receiving a prenatal or birth diagnosis.

“No, I’m not the atmosphere. I cannot hold up the stars and the moon. I cannot protect her from every ache and pain. I cannot carry the weight of the world. But I would gladly accept the title of Plain Old Mom—the soup maker mom, the baby shusher mom, the call-me-if-you-need-me mom.” // Plain Old Mom by

Sarah Bahiraei

Books on our (collective) nightstands: The Beauty of Motherhood, Tell Me Everything, Habits of the Household, Demon Copperhead, Liturgies and Laments for the Sojourner, The Paris Apartment, and our Exhale book club pick, Create Anyway.

We have all the heart eyes for this creative spark cocktail (with edible glitter!).

Nobody does children’s Bibles better than Kaleidoscope—don’t miss their huge Easter sale!

“It was December of 2021 when the light found everything that had been hidden in our family, in my marriage. Like any relational crumbling, there are layers and reasons, and there are also excuses and missteps and sin, and all of it crept into our lives like a toxic mold that hides in the walls of your house until you are too sick to deny its existence. And, like any relational crumbling, there was destruction.” // On Not Pretending by Katie Blackburn

This lightweight, water-repellant jacket is on our spring wish list, and while we’re usually pretty skeptical about “lululemon dupes”—these aren’t half bad.

For a fun at-home date night, try a custom paint-by-numbers set together.

Got a case of the creative blahs? Here’s a solid round-up for your TBR list.

“Look Ma, here they are. And now they know how much I love you. How much I admire you. How unreasonably lucky I was to be born your girl.” // You’re Magical. It’s True. by

Courtney Martin

Borrow a page from Sonya’s Easter brunch playbook: ham and asparagus strata, asparagus gruyere tart, strawberry cake mix cookies, and triple-decker strawberry cake. Add these cotton gingham napkins and grocery store flowers in mason jars for a simple but pretty table setting.

All the spring break things: sensory kits that kids play with for hours, this splash-friendly tote bag, a balancing game, this puzzle challenge game, a dice game, and this book set.

PSA: please consider adding this now over-the-counter spray to your first aid kit.

I was so sick of driving, and then cancer hit, the seatbelt sliced straight across the painful port on my chest, and I missed the hours of driving and waiting and killing time. The first time I drove after chemo was swim carpool. It felt good to be behind the wheel, to smell the chlorine, to listen to the boys. This thing that felt like a chore became a gift. I get to drive them. I get to be part of this. // The Last Days of the Swim Taxi by Melanie Dale

A simple pleasure: pretty press-on nails for an instant manicure.

“When I peer through the viewfinder and feel the weight of my camera in my hands, I am looking for the best way to frame and lock in the scene. Photography requires constant reframing, and so does my mind.” // A Film Mindset by

jinhee

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For dessert or an after-school treat: Sarah’s Gluten-Free White Chocolate + Macadamia Almond Meal Cookies

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Podcast Recs

The C+C podcast is back (!!) with a new episode on motherhood + creativity. We’ve also got a bonus episode exclusively for paid Substack subscribers: Rhythms & Routines Currently Working For Us.

In this episode of Sunny & 65, Sarah discusses her new book and the rest God has for our souls.

Aundi Kolber teaches us how to approach stressful situations with compassion in this episode of the Lazy Genius podcast.

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Upcoming Workshops:

• Writing Motherhood: Presence Over Perfection with Adrienne Garrison // April 22

• Writing with Purpose Workshop with Sonya Spillmann // starts April 25

• Inspiration to Habit with Callie Feyen // Download

• From First Draft to Final: An Essay Revision Video Series with Molly Flinkman // Download

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