Oh Christmas Tree
By Cara Stolen | December 2023 Newsletter
The olive oil on the cast iron griddle in front of me shimmers, and the egg I crack onto the hot pan crackles and sizzles. I crack two more, then turn to my right and push bread down into the toaster. A few minutes later, I slide the slippery fried eggs onto a plate alongside buttered toast and walk into the dining room to set the plate down in front of my husband, Levi, who looks up from his phone and thanks me.
Back in the kitchen, I reach to turn on the sink and start dishes, then stop myself and walk back toward the dining room—and Levi—again.
“I was thinking … maybe next Saturday? We could go up and get a tree?”
I hear the double question in my voice and cringe. It seems ridiculous to be nervous to ask my husband of eleven years about our annual tradition of spending a day in the hills searching for the perfect Christmas tree. But after months of disconnect and uncertainty about the trajectory of our relationship, I lean against the door jam between the kitchen and the dining room and realize that’s exactly what I am. Nervous.
What if he doesn’t want to go this year? What if we have a horrible day and it makes everything between us worse?
Growing up, we didn’t usually have a Christmas tree. My parents and I made the eleven hour drive from Washington State to California every Christmas break, and my mom deemed a dying tree in the house a fire hazard. So while the first Christmas Levi and I spent together was magical in many ways, one of the highlights for me was our tree.
I have to admit I don’t remember our first Christmas tree hunt all that well. What I do remember is the lopsided tree we came home with, the bargain bin decorations I bought (most of which we still use today), and the popcorn and cranberries I strung with a friend one afternoon to drape through the branches. And I remember the delight I felt when I snapped the blurry photo of our imperfect tree on my Blackberry.
The memories since then meld together a little bit. There were years of tramping through fluffy-white, knee-deep powder, calling “what about this one?” to each other through the trees. Years where we slipped on and slid through (and grumbled about) ice or mud. Years we loaded up in our old flatbed feed truck with just the two of us and our dogs, and years we piled our growing family into a different old feed truck and drove into the hills with friends.
They aren’t all magical memories, though. There was the year our oldest, Royce, then two, refused to get out of the pickup and screamed when Levi fired up the chainsaw, and the year our middle, Maggie, got carsick and threw up all over both herself and me in the side-by-side. There was the year Levi buried the four-wheeler in a snow drift and had to shovel us out, and the year Maggie was in the hospital, and we didn’t go at all.
But time has a way of dulling the lackluster memories, and when I scroll the photos of years past on my phone, all I feel is delight.
Levi swallows his bite of eggs and toast and tells me he thinks that will work. His answer lacks enthusiasm, but holds commitment, so I head back to my dishes and don’t push further.
I don’t know what my memories of this year’s Christmas tree hunt—this holiday season—will look like. Maybe they’ll be tainted with the sorrow of the past few months or full of regret that this year isn’t different.
But maybe they’ll also be splashed with magic and delight.
In a few days, we will spend an evening with friends and our Christmas tree tradition will come up in conversation. Levi will tease me about how picky I am, about how many times I make him stop or back up to look at a certain tree. He’ll joke that I always ask at least once if we can have just the top of some twenty-five foot fir. I will laugh and tell them that Levi usually ends up picking our tree, because I just can’t decide—and he’s better at it anyway.
While I will still feel a little sad and uncertain when we crawl into bed that night, my cheeks will burn with the laughter of the evening, and I will also feel joy.
And somehow, as I curl up next to Levi, all my conflicting emotions will meld into one: hope.
Love,
Cara
Sarah’s Hearty Breakfast Casserole with Pork, Squash + Kale is healthy enough to balance out allll the Christmas cookies.
Our Winter Collection Is Live!
Pour a hot beverage, grab a cozy blanket, and savor these twenty new works of art from us to you. ❤️ This collection of writing is made possible in part by our paid Substack supporters. Thank you for supporting women and the arts!
C+C Faves
Books on our (collective) nightstands: Breathing Through Grief: A Devotional Journal Through Seasons of Loss, Know My Name, The Long Weekend, Sorry I’m Late, I Didn’t Want to Come; The Art of Gathering, Little Women, Where the Deer and the Antelope Play, and Still Points North.
“This is a season of believing my work does not define my worth—not the work of tending to others, and not the work of tending to words. This season I will endeavor to rest in the kindness of limitations, to laugh gently at my own fallibility, to savor twinkling lights and dark evenings, warm drinks and stories written by someone other than me.” // And Who Am I if I Don’t? by
Gorgeous and doable, this Christmas watercolor workbook is for all ages.
Couldn’t we all use a little House Peace?
One favorite tradition: pozole + the Christmas eve service. Feliz Navidad!
“I wish I had offered to help her cook more often. I wish I had asked more questions. I wish she could teach me her tricks. She did teach me, occasionally. But I kept myself so busy as a kid, especially in high school, that I probably couldn’t be bothered to help with much of the baking—just the eating. Now, as an adult, this baking thing seems far more important, maybe even essential.” // Baking Day by Sarah Hauser
This color-your-own bake shop kit would make an adorable backdrop for a neighborhood cookie swap.
It feels like champagne bubbles in your brain. Like the good kind of nerves, like first kiss butterflies standing in front of his car. Stage one is giddy and sparkly, Taylor and Travis energy, all hope and potential, the way you feel when you step outside on the first warm day of spring. // The Five Stages of a Dream by
For road trips and holiday travel, we’re bringing along an LCD drawing tablet for each kid and magnetic snakes & ladders.
For all the season’s fancy parties, here’s our favorite holiday attire: velvet maxi skirt, sequin shirt, one-shoulder top, shimmery pants, champagne velvet dress, high-rise velour trousers, v-neck jumpsuit, and pencil midi skirt.
“What a relief to know that it isn’t just up to me. What a relief to know that all the other people in my kids’ lives who love them fiercely and deeply will be there for them too. My eyes aren’t the only eyes on them. We have kindhearted spies on our behalf too.” // It Isn’t Just Up to Me by
ICYMI, our gift guides are on the blog! Other gifts on our kids’ wishlists: a 3D doodle pen, hair chalk, Daniel Tiger magna-tiles, a Harry Potter-inspired baseball jacket, this connection-free music player, ribbon ninja game, paper airplane launcher, Rapunzel styling head and matchbox remote car (perfect as a stocking stuffer!)
We’re giving these trending flare leggings a try.
A simple pleasure: Christmas music all month long.
As we approach ten whole years of Coffee + Crumbs—with legacy in mind—we are proud to offer (for the very first time!) a printed magazine of our work, revised and expanded. Inside these pages you’ll find a mixture of longform essays and poetry, as well as recipes and new features, all accompanied by beautiful photography. Pre-order now through December 7th.
Podcast Recs
Sometimes you love something so much, you don’t want to keep it to yourself. From online shopping secondhand to the simple joy of brightly painted nails, we shared a few things / habits / websites / life hacks we feel are a tad underrated in the latest C+C bonus podcast episode: I Wish More People Knew About This.
This episode of Didn’t I Just Feed You helps us navigate the big feelings that arise around food, family, and the holidays.
We’re appreciating this Guide to Enjoying Your People episode of Pantsuit Politics.
Upcoming Workshops
Slow Writing & Accountability Workshop with Sonya Spillmann // starts January 8
Writing with Purpose Workshop with Sonya Spillmann // starts March 18
Portfolio Review with Callie Feyen // ongoing
A Year of Content: Guided Planning Session with Callie Feyen // download
p.s. Creative dreams for 2024? Exhale gift cards never expire. Enrollment opens up again in January ✨
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Thank you for your brave words, Cara! I know I can relate to these mixed feelings and so many others will too ❤️
Beautifully written, Cara. 🎄💛