On Wanting to Have "Everyfing"

By Ashlee Gadd | March 2023 Newsletter

“Do you want a pouch, or a bar?” 

I am in the kitchen kneeling on the floor in front of my three-year-old daughter, presenting her with two options for a morning snack: a blueberry cereal bar, or an applesauce pouch. Her eyes float back and forth between my hands. 

“I want … everyfing,” she says. 

I tell her she needs to pick one, but she looks at both snacks and stubbornly shakes her head.

“No Momma,” she persists, “I want alla dem.”

We go back and forth for a minute until she begins to cry. I know giving your child everything they want is not exactly Good Mom 101, but I also believe in choosing your battles, and this is not one I have the energy to fight today. I hand over both snacks. 

Later that afternoon, we are sitting on the floor of her bedroom packing an obnoxiously pink princess suitcase for a sleepover at Grandma’s house. I let Presley “help” as much as possible, patiently asking if she prefers the unicorn pajamas or the pink heart pajamas, the koala stuffed animal or the flamingo. While I fold clothes, count diapers, and search for the pacifier, she begins stacking books into a large tower on the floor.

“Babe, you can’t bring that many books to Grandma’s house,” I warn her, “They won’t fit in your suitcase. How about you pick three?”

She repeats her lines from the kitchen, insisting she wants “everyfing” and “alla dem” no matter how many times I tell her 27 books is too many. She ignores me and tries to lift the tower of books with a dramatic grunt. Realizing the stack is too heavy, she starts carrying the books over, two by two, until she essentially recreates the leaning tower of books inside her suitcase. I let her do it, curious what her end game will be. 

“Presley,” I say softly, amused, “Honey, how are you going to close the suitcase?”

She stares at me, then back at the suitcase. This is what I believe most people would call a moment of reckoning. The moment where her dream meets reality, and it finally sinks in that she cannot, indeed, fit dozens of books inside her tiny luggage.

At three years old, my daughter already wants to have it all. But she can’t figure out how to fit everything she wants into her suitcase and still close the zipper.

I empathize, pulling her into my arms for a hug as the full weight of disappointment sinks into her bones.

After all, I know what it’s like to try to cram all of my dreams and desires into this one precious life. For the past decade, I’ve been wrestling with a reckoning of my own. I’ve wanted to be a nurturing, attentive mother, and I’ve also wanted to be an artist dedicated to her craft. I’ve wanted, as Presley would say, “everyfing.” 

At times I have been like my daughter, stacking too many items inside an already-too-full suitcase. I have learned the hard way, more than once, that pursuing motherhood and creativity in tandem requires sacrifice. And while sometimes that looks like giving up an hour of sleep, or social media, or not signing up to be the Room Mom for every kid, more often than not it simply looks like sacrificing my unrealistic expectations.

I spent my early years of motherhood desperately trying to compartmentalize in an effort to “have it all”—back when I believed that was actually possible. I wanted to wear my parenting hat for some hours of the day, and my artist hat for other hours of the day. I quickly realized, though, these two selves did not fit into tidy roles I could clock in and out of. 

Rather, motherhood and creativity ran together like two rivers becoming one, a confluence of scribbles and spit-up, love and art, wild ambition and sleepless nights. 

Over the past decade, I’ve learned to accept that motherhood and creativity work best when you stop trying to keep them apart and simply allow them to collide. Sometimes you make a masterpiece, and sometimes you make a beautiful mess. Either way, you are making something: poems and photographs, gardens and grilled cheese, memories and magic. 

We may not be able to have everyfing, but I believe with a bit of wonder and imagination, when we surrender our unrealistic expectations and choose nuance instead, perhaps we can fit a bit more into our life than we originally thought.

Perhaps there really is enough room in the suitcase for motherhood and creativity to coexist.

Love, 
Ashlee 

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Ashlee’s book, Create Anyway: The Joy of Pursuing Creativity in the Margins of Motherhood, hits bookshelves on March 28th! Pre-order now at Amazon, Target, or wherever books are sold, and get instant access to the Mother Artist Diaries. ❤️

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C+C Faves

Our spring collection is live (!!!) Eighteen new works of art, from us to you.

“It’s okay to use these resources; in fact, you must. You will survive only by reaching out for help, by embracing the humility of being a beginner each time you wake up in the morning, and by learning the secret of the sunrise: even if you have done something a hundred times, there is always a way to do it again, differently.” // You Are Here via Writing from Jenna

Books on our (collective) nightstands: B.F.F.: A Memoir of Friendship Lost and Found, The Lives We Actually Have, I’m Glad My Mom Died, The Blessed Life, Someone Else’s Shoes, Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone, and our Exhale book club pick, We Dream of Space (also available as a Wonderbook—check your local library!).

“No wonder every Korean’s favorite kimchi stew is their mother’s. The taste is indelibly written into your bones; immediately recognizable and yet profoundly unreplicable. No one else’s stew tastes as good, and you can never get your own stew to taste quite like hers. It’s why you’re always pining for the original. Nothing else compares.” // Kimchi Stew, With Love by Esther Lee 

After all the winter storms, we’re ready to bring in some blooms with plant cuttings clipped and hung in this wall terrarium.

These goggles promise easy adjusting for kids’ spring break swims.

“There was no stranglehold I could have used to keep them from the pain. I had no option but to stand back and watch them face it themselves. In doing this, God helped me unfurl my fingers and further release the work of their safety, their healing, and their joy into the care of divine love. It’s strange how a wound can teach us to trust, how it births courage in us.”  // Ferocious Motherlove by Amber Haines

Two cookbooks you need in your collection: The Don’t Panic Pantry Cookbook (AKA: cheap, fast, healthy recipes that all your kids will eat) and the Complete Children’s Cookbook (step-by-step recipes for ages 7+).

“But most of all, I’ll miss the little hand in mine as we hurry up the road. I’ll miss the quick kiss goodbye, then the eyes searching through the window until they meet mine and she waves one last time as the bus gives a sigh before disappearing down the road.” // A Walk to the School Bus via Joy in the World

These toddler rain boots are perfect for stomping in all the muddy puddles like Peppa.

Speaking of footwear, encourage your kiddos to step into spring cleaning with these dust mop slippers (see what we did there?).

“The boy at the very end, who is not with our group, stands to let me pass every time with a smile. He looks to be about 16, and each time he smiles at me I think about raising my sons to be the kind of boys and men who are not outwardly inconvenienced by a woman and her children who need to pee every 20 minutes.” // Kindness in Five Movements via Before I Forget

The Raising Boys & Girls books for parents now have companion workbooks for elementary age boys and girls.

“She doesn’t need to be brave, to be strong, to be anything but what she’s truly feeling. “You can cry,” I nod, as if in encouragement. And then, in what I didn’t know I needed to hear myself, in what I didn’t know I could speak over and into my own life, my voice cracks, “You can let out all your big feelings.” // Big Feelings by Sonya Spillmann

A simple pleasure: lightweight and lovely dermatologist recommended sunscreen.

Did we mention our spring collection is live?! 😉 We’d be so grateful if you shared it with a friend.

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A treat: Sarah’s Pomegranate, Lime + Ginger Mocktail

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Podcast Recs

Both this conversation with Beth Moore on the Nothing Is Wasted podcast and this one on Everything Happens are gold.

Kelly Corrigan talks with Dr. Natalie Dixon, a creative strategist, in this podcast episode on “Inspiration for the Creative Life.”

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Upcoming Workshops:

• Rooted: Reaching for Light, a Photography Workshop with Jennifer Floyd // starts March 17

• Side By Side: A Workshop for Moms + Kids with Molly Flinkman // April 1

• Smoke + Mirrors: A 4-Week Photography Workshop with Jennifer Floyd // starts April 8

• Portfolio Review with Callie Feyen

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