Sometimes Moms Lose Their Pants

By Callie Feyen | September 2024 Newsletter

Here’s a story about the time my mom sewed herself into one of my dance leotards, and I flashed the Georgetown Country Club golf course in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

“Mom,” I said around ten at night circa 1992. “I need these sewn on my leotard for my dance performance.” A dance performance I needed to get on a bus at 4:30 the next morning.

You really shouldn’t sew anything onto Spandex that isn’t elastic lest you are going for a Hulk-like look. My mom knew this, which is why she slipped off her sweatpants, and pulled on my leotard in order to properly sew sequins onto it.

And she did! But she also sewed herself into the leotard—by way of her underpants.

How she got herself free I do not know. All I know is the leotard was folded nice and neat on the dining room table the next morning next to my English muffin and orange juice. 

How could you out your mom like that, you might be thinking. Well, for one thing, I’m not that nice of a person. For another, my mom tells this story more than I do and she tells it better. And finally, I wouldn’t have told it if I didn’t have my own to match it.

It was the butt crack of dawn when the only people who are up are the insane—like writers or people who feel led to swim the 200 fly or 800 free or some other really long distance that requires a lot of counting. Lucky for the Feyen family, there are two of us who fit in this category, so, before the sun had arisen, Harper and I walked out of the house and into the car to head to her first swim practice of the day (swim, school, swim, repeat—times forever—is Harper’s life).

When I returned, I realized I’d double locked our front door and didn’t have a key for the bottom lock. Jesse was out of town. Hadley was sleeping and would remain asleep for at least another hour.

I had two choices: 

1. Sit outside and wait for Hadley to wake up.

2. See if I can get into the house by way of the doggie door. 

I choose option two.

I’ll have you know there is a lot of twisting involved in order to make the most of the space. Consequently, the twisting resulted in my needing to make another decision because I was stuck, and the only way to get unstuck was to pull off my pants using my legs because my upper body was already in the house and I could not fit my arms through the doggie door.

I can only imagine what I looked like, and while the neighbors who decided to get a round in before work were probably aghast, I know my mom, who would do anything for me and my brother Geoff, would’ve howled with laughter and pride and said, “That’s my girl!” 

This September, as we face calendars that look like a plate of spaghetti dropped on it, as we pop frozen pizzas and chicken nuggets in the oven for the millionth time in order to make an easy meal so we can get to soccer/band/swim/PTO, PTA, church meetings/Target for Clorox wipes/the teacher requests, mamas—try to keep your pants on. But it’s OK if you don’t. It’ll probably make a better story, anyway. 

Love,
Callie

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