Sonya: [flat intonation; not unexcited, just not easily excitable tone] Morning everyone. I’m on my way to Costco, on a Friday morning, which could be a good or a bad idea, I guess. I’ll let you know when I’m done. We need … [audible sigh] everything, you guys. I’m about to spend a million dollars. Probably a good portion of that on cheese. But whatever.
So what is everyone doing today? I have therapy after I go to Costco, and you know how much I love my therapist but—WOAH! Excuse me, sir!— [three seconds of silence, the anger is palpable] You guys, no one in Northern Virginia knows how to drive. I mean, this is insane. This man just cut me off getting on the freeway and okay … what was I talking about? Oh! I have therapy after Costco, which is good, because you all know I have a lot to talk about, always, in therapy. But today I’m telling my therapist that we need to have an exit strategy, because therapy is reallllll expensive and so is Costco so anyway, I gotta run. Love you. Talk to you all soon.
Ashlee: [very easily excitable tone] Gooood morning friends! Happy Friday! I’m just out taking my morning circadian rhythm walk around the neighborhood, which, can I just tell you, so far this is working for me. I mean, I slept like garbage two nights ago and was awake from 3:00 a.m. on, but this morning I slept until 4:30 a.m. and I feel like a whole new person! And now there’s someone doing loud yard work in the front yard of the house I’m walking by and I don’t know if you can hear me so hang on a second …
Ashlee: [two pictures of bright pink flowers arrive in text]
Ashlee: Okay I’m back, and while I was walking by the house with the yard work I saw these beautiful flowers in bloom. Aren’t they so pretty!
Sonya, good luck at Costco, and report back on how therapy goes. I’m sorry it will be one of your last ones with her, I know how much you love her. Ugh, everything is so dang expensive. Did I tell you the lowest bid for our new roof? You guys. The. Lowest. Bid. Was 28,000 dollars! How is this even possible? We are praying nothing else in the house breaks because we will be paying off this roof debt for the next ten years. When does a fixer-upper STOP being a fixer-upper?
Anyway, I had book club last night and it was so fun, and today I have a Zoom call at 10:00 and then I’ll just be working until I pick up Presley at noon. We are going to Trader Joe’s after school because we also are out of everything, Sonya, but I’m not feeling brave enough for Costco today. Okay, gonna run but Katie, Sarah, love you, check in when you can.
Katie: [moderate enthusiasm] Happy Friday everyone! Sonya, let us know how therapy was when you can. I just finished school drop offs and now Braylen and I are headed to the store. So you guys, I realize this is a major pivot—but can I ask you a hypothetical question?
If I were to fill out a dating profile, you know like on one of those dating app things, what would I even write about myself? I mean, do I just come right out of the gate with it? “Single mom of six, drives a twelve-passenger van, lives at home with her parents.” Or do I keep some of the details hidden and see if anyone is interested in getting to know me, you know, before I spill everything? Because girls, I was with someone last night who is single and she’s been on these apps for a few years and after two minutes of her showing me one of them, oh my gosh, it is a FREAKING MINEFIELD! The brazen crap men will say to women—I mean maybe I shouldn’t be shocked, but I was shocked. Most of them probably still live in their parents’ basement.
But wait, so do I, so joke’s on me! [audible laughter for ten seconds]
And then I started to wonder, “Am I ready? Do I even want this? Or I am chilling over here in single land justtttt fine?” And I realize that’s something I still need to sort out, but then I couldn’t help but wonder, hypothetically of course, what I would even write on one of those things? I mean, I am pretty much the most un-marketable person at this juncture and I don’t even know if that can be redeemed so I’m taking it to my board members, which is you all. Any suggestions are appreciated. And maybe I’ll never do it. If it makes me feel this vulnerable to even think about it, it’s probably not for me. You know how I feel about feelings.
Okay, heading into the store now, Bray and I are getting the ingredients for the most amazing soup I had at the women’s night at church, I’ll send the recipe. It was to die for. Love you, talk soon bye.
Ashlee [through text]: Katie, will be back after my Zoom call but just needed to say that you are marketable, and that any dating profile you make needs to mention your Peloton streak. And that you like sports (!). And that you make sourdough bread. I mean, YOU ARE SUCH A FREAKING CATCH. Also: all candidates must go through me. As the resident Enneagram 3, I have the highest standards out of all of us and you know Internet sleuthing is one of my spiritual gifts. More later!
Katie [through text, sends picture of recipe]: Here’s the recipe. Oh and Ashlee, you know I’d mention the Peloton streak!
Sarah: [measured, calm tone] Good morning everyone! Sorry I’m just getting to listen to these, I was running around with the kids this morning but I’m all caught up and I just need to say, Katie, I’ve also heard the dating apps are a minefield. I can’t even imagine. I think you just need to really pray about if you’d even be ready or have the time for that. But you are discerning. I’ll definitely be praying for you as you think about it. I do love Ashlee’s insistence on mentioning the Peloton streak!
Sonya, how was therapy? You reminded me I need to make an appointment myself soon. I’ve got to go to Costco later today, too, which is really the last thing I want to do but alas, everyone needs to eat. We are doing pretty good today. Just feeling a little down about my dad and his health as he gets into his eighties, it feels like so much keeps happening to him and I know he is discouraged and I guess I just wish I could do more than be a few states away and worry, you know? So anyway, I’ll keep you posted on how he’s doing, but if you could pray for him, I’d love that.
Oh, and Katie, the soup looks amazing!
Katie [through text]: Praying Sarah! I know how much you carry thinking about him.
Ashlee [through text]: Love you, Sarah, and praying for your dad right now.
Sonya: [still not unexcited, just not easily excitable tone] Okay, got out of Costco for under $500 which feels you know, about as much like a victory as I could have hoped for today. And then therapy was really, really good, you guys. I cried, of course. Katie, I wanted to share something with you that I learned, and maybe you already know this but a lot of … crap has gone down for you in the last year, and I know your counseling has been helpful but I wonder, how much have you really named the things you feel on a given day about, well, all of this? About the things that hurt, the things that made you mad, and the things that make you feel vulnerable going forward. I just wonder if you have sat with those emotions long enough to process them, because I want you to be able to do that.
Katie: Sonya thank you. I love you. But I don’t name anything I am feeling. Ever. And I don’t even know what it looks like to sit with feelings. I mean, I have embraced rage this year, you all know that. And I say f&$! a lot more, which still feels right. But sitting with feelings? Who has time for that? I’d rather ride the bike.
Sonya: I mean, to sit with your feelings, are you asking what that looks like for me? I cry in the shower a lot. I go for long walks. Journaling. I keep going back to therapy. I don’t know, I guess I am just someone who needs to name everything I am feeling, and that’s how my feelings don’t own me. But I totally respect that you don’t.
Ashlee [through text]: I just wanted to say that I love us so much.
Katie: I hear you Sonya, and I’ll try. But after a bike ride.
And Sonya I also want to know what you’d put on my dating profile, please and thank you?
Sonya: Um, I’d put “I’m gorgeous.” Which I know you won’t write. But honestly? All I can say is whoever gets a second look needs to be RICH … AND EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE.
Sarah: [still measured, calm tone] You guys I love this, because it’s so interesting how everyone processes their experiences so differently. I think I’m somewhere in the middle of Sonya and Katie, like I am so pro-therapy but I also probably don’t go as often as I could or should so I’m not in the habit of sitting with feelings either. But anyway, thanks for praying for my dad. We got in and out of Costco pretty quickly today, and I’m going to try to squeeze a little work in before the big kids get home from school. I’ve got to finish that essay I promised I would have done by the end of the month. But Katie, I have to say this before I go: I trust the Lord in you. I truly think you will know if and when you are ready to try dating again, and I know that is not a decision you’d ever take lightly, and I will always be praying for you in the meantime.
But I have to agree with what Sonya said about potential candidates: being rich and emotionally available is a good start! Okay, love you girls, talk later!
Ashlee [through text]: Co-sign.
//
Our conversation goes on throughout the day, as it does most days. We talk about everything, from what we’re excited about, scared of, to the practicalities of where we’re going and what we’re doing.
We share recipes and prayer requests.
Our deepest feelings.
Fun adventures with our kids.
Complain how dumb people can be (of course not us, but you know, other people).
For almost every day for the past five years, the Voxer Thread™ has been my lifeline. This group of friends has met me right where I am. We never made vows, but somehow, they’ve upheld what my marriage couldn’t: in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, whether I’m praising Jesus or swearing like a sailor, there they are, wanting to hear it all.
I’m not sure if I’ll ever join a dating app. And I don’t know what I’d write on my profile if I do. Maybe one day romantic love will come back into my life. Or maybe I’ll go looking for it. But right now, love looks like people who want to carry the joys and the tears with me, and who, in a way I never understood before, are the reason I still believe in soulmates.
//
Ashlee [two hours later]: Katie, definitely add to the profile that you look good in bike shorts.
Katie Blackburn lives in the Pacific Northwest with her six little ones, one of whom came to her through foster care. She is saved by grace and runs on cold brew coffee and quiet mornings at her desk. You can read more of her writing on faith, motherhood, special needs, and a good, good God on her Substack.
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If any rich and emotionally available single men happen to be reading this, you can send your applications straight to me 💁🏻♀️
And Happy Galentine’s Day to all who celebrate! 💞
To be completely vulnerable, I have been praying for a close sisterhood like this for years. You are all so lucky to have it. 🥲 Happy Galentine's Day, ladies!!