No Big Deal Love
By Cara Stolen | February 2025 Newsletter
Quick note: all five episodes of Making a Mother are now streaming! At the close of this series, we want to extend a special thank you to Kate, Cindy, Faith, Jerrell, and Amanda for bravely offering their stories to this project. If you haven’t listened yet, it’s not too late to get caught up on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts! Making a Mother is brought to you by Needed—thank you for supporting the brands that made this series possible. ❤️
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about demonstrations of love. Maybe it’s because every retail establishment in America is shouting to the rooftops about Valentine’s Day, but more likely it’s because my third grade son came home with his first love letter the other day. He casually announced it in the car after school, the way he might tell me that a classmate was home sick that day or about the game they played in P.E. But to me, the anecdote was anything but casual.
I have a notoriously terrible memory. There are entire years of my childhood that are completely blank, while the others bleed together into a watercolor of hazy moments. But I remember third grade. I was in third grade when I learned the truth about Santa. I was in third grade when I held my first student government leadership position and organized a class play (from an American Girl Doll script). I was in third grade when I heard the first horrifying whispers about where babies came from. I was in third grade when I had my first “boyfriend.”
The relationship was short lived, as elementary school romances are. A set up between our two groups of friends that began with one of my friends telling me “Cody likes you and wants to go out with you” and ended with one of his friends telling me he wanted to break up. I don’t know that the two of us ever actually talked to each other outside of class. But I remember the letter I wrote to him with mortifying clarity—a gel pen outlined demonstration of my “love.”
When I tuck my son into bed on the day of the love letter, I ask him how the letter made him feel. In typical third grade boy fashion, I get a shrug in response. So I ask him what he thought it meant. “That she likes me as more than a friend? I guess? And wanted me to know?” (More shrugging). “It’s no big deal, mom.”
In third grade (and honestly well into adulthood), I thought that, for love to be real, it needed to be acknowledged with Big Demonstrations of Love™. I thought that, if you loved someone, you left heart-adorned letters on their desk, stood outside their dorm room window with a Happy Birthday sign when the clock turned over to their birthday, went on PDA-filled weekly date nights together, and received just-because bouquets of flowers on the regular.
After almost thirteen years of marriage, Big Demonstrations of Love™ are mostly absent from my life. I only receive holiday-induced bouquets of roses from my husband, Levi, and I can’t remember the last time we went on a date. I stopped leaving love notes in his lunch box a long time ago. Our life is full of work responsibilities, kids’ schedules, and the general logistics of adulthood.
But it’s also filled with simple, tiny, everyday demonstrations of love.
His hand on my lower back as he leans in for a kiss after a long day. The bouquets of Indian paintbrush he picks for me when we sneak away to the mountains. When he remembers to pick up the garbage can without my prompting. The way he tucks my cold feet into the crook of his knee when we climb into bed at night. When he offers to take the kids to school in the morning or wakes up early with me to have coffee together in the hot tub. How he encourages me to go hiking or climbing any chance I get.
The way he still, after all these years, calls me throughout the day just to hear my voice.
My third grade self thought all matters of the heart were a Big Deal, but as I turn off my son’s light, cross the hall, and slide into bed beside Levi, I can’t help but wonder if my son is on to something.
Levi pulls me close, sharing his warmth, and I snuggle into him. It isn’t the Big Demonstrations of Love™ that have helped us weather the storms of our marriage, it’s the little, inconsequential, behind-the-scenes gestures. And as I drift off to sleep curled against my husband, my last conscious thought is that, at almost thirty-six, I think I like the no big deal moments best of all.
Happy Valentines Day,
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Upcoming Workshops
Do you have a story you want to tell, but you’re unsure of how to tell it? Molly’s three-week course on narrative essay writing starts February 3!
If you’re ready to finally write that essay burning a hole in your heart, join Ashlee for this three-week workshop beginning February 24.
You've finished a story, but it still needs … something. Join Callie for this 90-Minute Revision Bootcamp on March 7.
Explore lyrical essay forms—and then practice writing your own! Sonya’s six-week workshop, Let the Writing Sing, starts February 24.
C+C Faves
“I wanted to resist the urge to measure my days according to arbitrary markers of productivity. I needed a practice of delight.” // Wrapped in Light by
Books on our (collective) nightstands: The Good Turn, The Favorites, Loyal in His Love, and our Exhale book club pick, The Supper of the Lamb.
“I’m overwhelmed by how He is still here, there, everywhere.” // A Childlike Faith by
These might just be the most comfortable pants you’ve ever owned, and this may be your new go-to button-down.
“If something doesn’t work out quite like she’d hoped, through gritted teeth and tear-stained cheeks, she is going to try again. She doesn’t think her ideas are stupid. She isn’t worried about if someone has done it better than her before.” // Tenacity by
Sweatshirts are our love language. We’ve got you covered for the Superbowl with this Eagles oversized crew and these KC options.
A little luxury: always hot coffee.
“Having young adult children means laying down the life you thought you were creating for them and trusting the life they are creating for themselves.” // Parenting in the Dark by
Need a DIY manicure that survives sourdough-kneading and dishwashing? Try this gel nail kit.
Our current skincare favorites include these hydrating masks (straight from the fridge!) and this face oil.
“The language is chana masala and home baked granola, but the message has little to do with food.” // All Aboard the Meal Train by
In our earbuds: this behind-the-scenes episode with Stephen Colbert.
“And that was it. The whole point of not having the floor was to listen. To really, truly listen. It was not, as I so often did, half listen while formulating my rebuttal.” // The Controlled Burn of a Long Marriage
This print artist and pastor makes block prints to support groups working for peace.
ICYMI: What we’re learning about discipline.
“All those days when my kids were really little and I was silently chanting, ‘this is impossible,’ I also had another voice in my head. That voice had arrived only recently, when I gave birth after enduring the trauma of infertility. The new voice said, ‘You did not think you could do that other thing, either. But you did.’” // A Chisel to the Face by
A simple pleasure: finding a song you can listen to on repeat.
Try Sarah’s baked chicken thighs with lemon + garlic for a sheet-pan dinner that’s dietary-restriction friendly.
Friendly Reminder:
February kicks off our annual “Love After Babies” month, which means we’ll be in your inboxes a bit more than usual. Here are a few essays from the archives, in case you missed them:
Defining Word: Single
Lover of Old and Broken Things
This Ship Isn’t Going Down Without a Fight
We Just Stand Real Close
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Our personal favorites? Cognitive support, collagen protein, women’s multi, and immune support!
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I love this, Cara.
Morning hot tub and coffee time?! 🤩🤩 I loved this, Cara.